Not quite an empty nest

In his latest column, Gordon Bourgon reflects on the emotional challenges of watching children leave home, offering guidance for parents navigating the complex transition of an ‘almost’ empty nest.

What, so soon? Where did the time go? It wasn’t that long ago he was just a baby!

This was what we said when our oldest son received a letter of acceptance from a university. Sure, we knew he was at the end of his high school studies. We had listened to his dreams and plans for his future. But . . .. The time when they leave to pursue their dreams comes up awfully fast.

For many parents, this is a stressful, emotional time. They become their own worst enemy. They start thinking they will be alone, or second-guessing the quality of their parenting. They may think they are no longer useful, as a parent, even in life. The empty nest syndrome actually exists, and similar symptoms can be felt even if the situation is not quite an empty nest.

Empty nest syndrome is defined as a sadness or emotional distress affecting parents whose children have grown up and left home. Though it is not a clinical condition, there can be signs of depression, a sense of loss of purpose, feelings of rejection, stress and anxiety over a child’s welfare.

What can a parent do? Psychologists say the condition cannot be fixed. Rather, coping with the situation is the best way to get through it.

Ways to cope is generally having a different attitude, understanding your ‘new’ parenting role. Be mindful of how the separation makes you feel. Celebrate the change rather than lament it. Know that you have taught your child well, and know that they will be able to figure out the rest on their own. Be proud and excited for them. Establish a supportive presence. Try not to worry and take care of yourself mentally and physically.

All this is easier said than done, I’m sure. And logical.

To help set your mind and emotions at ease, there are other, more tangible ways to help.

• Stay connected. Even set up a schedule for phone conversations and visits.
• Make care packages. Anything from food to clothes, toiletries to maps and instructions.
• Be involved prior to the ‘departure’. Like teaching your child how to cook, how to shop for food, how to handle money.
• Ask them how you can be helpful to them.
• Teach them skills relating to mindfulness and reducing stress.
• Remind them of their own strengths and attributes.

Of course, none of this is easy. It is a process. It is suggested to think of it as a collaboration. The child and you each with specific roles and duties.

There is also something called FOMO:  Fear Of Missing Out. The child who has left feels as though they are missing out on activities or the ‘moving on’ without them back home. They can feel that their absence will not matter. If this is the case, it is suggested to ask them how they can be involved with family decisions while they are away.

In the end, the pride and love you feel for your child is all that matters. Take care of yourself and, as you have always done, be there for them.