In this April Fools day article Sarnia Police are reviewing a castle-inspired HQ design submitted by Nathan Colquhoun, featuring towers, a statue, and a ceremonial drawbridge. Officials say it captures both operational needs and “the ego project aspect.”
The Sarnia Police Service has formally thanked the community for a recent headquarters design submission, describing it as a “compelling vision” that captures both operational needs and the full “fortress” direction of the project.
The design was submitted by internationally unverified but locally persistent policing expert Nathan Colquhoun, who confirmed the concept was developed after “careful review of both SPS media releases and several castles.”
At the centre of the concept is a mounted statue of Chief Derek Davis, depicted mid-command, pointing toward what appears to be either the future of policing or the nearest Tim Hortons.
The distinction is unclear.
The structure itself leans fully into defensive architecture. Stone towers, reinforced walls, and a central entry system rebranded as the “Revolving Door Drawbridge.” According to the design brief, it is engineered to rotate in only one direction, outward, ensuring efficient throughput while acknowledging that long-term outcomes remain, in official terms, “outside the scope of the facility.”
Inside, the building features an expanded evidence storage facility, now referred to as a climate-controlled “Tactical Pantry.” This space will house seized high-value items including 25-cent candy bars, single socks, and other critical materials suitable for strategic display during media briefings.
SPS noted the pantry will allow for “enhanced visual presentation of enforcement outcomes.”
Encircling the structure is a defensive moat, described in the proposal as a multi-purpose feature supporting both site security and long-term stormwater strategy, while also providing a clear visual indication that entry is a privilege, not a right.
On the roof, the design includes a tactical observation deck featuring a fully equipped hot tub command post, allowing for “elevated surveillance of backyard leisure activities” while maintaining officer readiness.
SPS has not confirmed whether flotation devices will be standard issue.
At ground level, a retractable “HART Hub” community care kiosk is incorporated into the design. Measuring approximately two by two feet and located behind the North Tower, the station will be open every third Tuesday of a leap year, providing limited services when not otherwise in storage.
While some critics initially questioned whether the design might be overly theatrical, SPS noted that the submission reflects “an authentic interpretation of public feedback,” particularly around the need for the building to project strength, permanence, and the ability to withstand at least one moderate rebellion.
Colquhoun, reached for comment, confirmed that the design was the result of “extensive research into both policing best practices and medieval European defensive architecture,” adding that “if you’re going to build something people are already calling a fortress, the least you can do is respect the genre.”
He added that the statue scale was “non-negotiable.”
The Sarnia Police Services Board is expected to review the proposal alongside other submissions, including a competing concept that replaces the facility with a slightly larger facility.
Public reaction has been mixed. Some residents have praised the design for “finally saying the quiet part out loud,” while others have expressed concern that the project may now include a gift shop.
SPS has not ruled that out.
At press time, staff were reportedly exploring whether the moat could be funded through development charges, or reclassified as stormwater management.