To the Editor, In response to suggestions that we abandon plans for electric buses in order to support our local petroleum-based economy, I would like to offer a modest proposal. Something that surely improves upon the spirit of this suggestion. If electric buses are a threat to our sacred fossil fuels, then let us not […]
To the Editor,
In response to suggestions that we abandon plans for electric buses in order to support our local petroleum-based economy, I would like to offer a modest proposal. Something that surely improves upon the spirit of this suggestion.
If electric buses are a threat to our sacred fossil fuels, then let us not stop at public transit. Let us purge our community of all efficient electrification and all those dangerous environmental "innovations" that threaten to tear down the proud empire of petroleum upon which our modern lives here in Sarnia-Lambton are built.
We must act quickly and decisively. First, I suggest Bluewater Power do the honourable thing and cease electricity derived from hydro sources immediately. (Approximately 25%!) Hydroelectric power, despite its reliability and cleanliness, is a grave insult to the hardworking local oil and gas industry. For far too long, this "clean energy" has powered our homes with its arrogant absence of pollution. It is time, I say, to take a stand. Let the waters of the Niagara River pass peacefully by, unharnessed and useless, as nature surely intended.
Instead, we should encourage every household to generate its own power using small gasoline-powered generators. Imagine the community spirit we could foster: families huddled around a sputtering Briggs & Stratton, sipping lukewarm coffee while the sweet smell of burning fuel wafts through their neighbourhood. That, dear reader, is the kind of energy future we can be proud of!
Of course, we must also tackle bicycles. These silent, smug machines have long undermined our fuel economy. Each rotation of a pedal is a slap in the face to those who drill, refine, and sell gasoline. Bicycles do not support our local economy; they do not consume oil, emit smoke, or rattle like a proper vehicle should. Therefore, I suggest we implement a mandatory two-stroke engine attachment on every bicycle. Not only will this add a delightful haze to our morning commutes, but it will ensure our children grow up in a world where the air is thick with loyalty and hydrocarbons.
On a related note, we must address the threat posed by buildings that heat themselves with electricity or (God forbid) geothermal systems. These architectural abominations must be retrofitted immediately with oil-burning furnaces. Let us dismantle every solar panel and proudly replace it with a rooftop fuel tank. The panels can be ground into reflective glitter for patriotic parades, where we celebrate our community’s triumphant return to the fuel-based economy of yesteryear.
Lighting, too, must not escape scrutiny. Why should we rely on LEDs, which use a fraction of the energy of incandescent bulbs, when the latter support the fossil fuel industry so much more effectively? A return to Edison’s original designs, and perhaps even candles, ideally made from petroleum wax, would bring us the inefficient glow we so desperately need.
Now, some may say, "But what about the climate?" To them I say: what better climate could we ask for than one warmed by our unwavering allegiance to oil? Rising temperatures will allow us to reduce our winter heating bills. Melting snowbanks will reveal more roads, which we can then joyfully repave with bitumen-based asphalt. Truly, we must stop seeing climate change as a challenge and instead embrace it as an opportunity for petroleum-based growth.
As for public health, it is true that the combustion engine has historically caused some minor respiratory inconveniences. But what are a few bronchial ailments compared to the booming success of our fuel stations? Besides, with more people staying home due to air quality advisories, we can expect local streaming services, pizza delivery chains, and air purifier companies to see substantial economic growth. A rising particulate count lifts all boats.
Let us not forget the economic wisdom of our forebears. They built an entire century on the back of fossil fuels. It would be sheer disrespect to move on now, just because we’ve discovered cleaner, cheaper, and more efficient technologies. Innovation, after all, is dangerously overrated. Stability lies in doing the same thing forever, regardless of consequences. It's called tradition.
And should anyone suggest that such measures are excessive, let them consider the horror of an electric bus silently gliding down the street, harming no one, producing no smell, no sound, and no economic benefit to our proud petroleum merchants. What kind of dystopia would we be living in then?
